leaving new york

so how about the psychotic guy from upstairs named Johnny (Gianni?)  pounding on my door threatening to "fucking break my legs" if I make noise again?  

pretty psychotic.

On the subway platform, there was a rotary telephone ringing, nonstop.  Empty office, subway platform.  For two bucks a night I guess those wooden benches are support enough for sleeping.  The curves and tiles of 34th are maddening.  Perpetual glow.

I think this blog is probably... oh, on its last legs.  I am probably still psychotic.  But I don't know if this is the venue for it anymore.  

Thanks, summer midnights, for rendering everything funny.

Thanks, Ketel One trucks for solidifying my theoretical loyalty to your vodka.  If I were to drink vodka, I would drink yours.  Maybe.  

Thanks, New York City, for catering perfectly to psychotic tendencies.  Good-bye.

I think I have concluded that the state of my psychosis relates directly to how far back in my memory I am dwelling.  To spend time thinking further about the past is to distance oneself from the present, and the more that happens, the weirder things get.  The other end of the spectrum is psychotic, too; to only have in one's head that which is directly in front... 

I like to think about what occupies my mind when I'm thinking or saying other things.   

Many of the same images over and over again, running continuously I suppose.  

dear december,

I guess I feel removed enough from the psychosis to recognize it in others, these days.

- bird cries in van sant films

In a sedate sort of way, 

i'm sure the psychosis is just sort of sleeping.(subversive.)

  

Eating chili, deliriously happy, at four in the morning is a good psychotic start, though.

Watching puppy Henry bounce on my air mattress is good material, too.

Answering McSorley's payphone to talk to rude men in Wisconsin was rather hilarious, too;

as was trying to use the ATM in the hat shop but getting co-erced, after midnight, into trying on many hats, and then feeling guilty about really just coming to use the ATM, and so leaving, to suggest that really, trying on hats was all I wandered in to do.

Being inarticulate...

(indications of the mess)

days getting shorter/darker, sort of like the fading of my ability to speak properly on a daily basis.  lag time... ha.  like my laptop, too.  not enough RAM.  

The post office isn't open and today was the only day I wanted to go.  I realized I've never been in an actual post office in Canada.  Only pharmacies.  This confession surprised Allison.

this gets stuck in my head sometimes, despite me only listening to it while i was seventeen.

the angelic harmonies, only.

"

... patron on ice

we can pop bottles all night 

baby you can have whatever you like

you can have whatever you like ... 

"

the stucco strip malls lent the illusion of being always lost

but, 

the radio towers

some deteriorating film

corrugated metal and the rain on it

warm tones resonating somewhere in my bloated torso

all orient

but still stuck on november

...

psychosis, 

right now?

the third

"marlborough lights they kill you like shit, i'm gonna fall off the wagon on the third, I been on it too long.  I'm gonna fall off the wagon.  on the third.  you know i like the red label, johnny walker, and busch beer is my favourite, but its hard to find.  Busch beer.  Busch beer.  I like budweiser too.  But Busch is better.  Back in Kentucky its easy to find but boy here it sure ain't.  Busch.  You know what I do when I find busch?  I cut the can in half, make sure I get every drop.  Gotta get your money's worth when you find what you want.  Cut it in half.  When I drink budweiser I just throw it away.  But when I drink Busch, I cut it in half.

What's your favourite beer?  Oh, bourbon?  Me not so much bourbon.  You like red wine or white wine?  Oh, red?  I like both.  Heh.  You want purple teeth?  Drink a lotta red wine, look in a mirror, like this.  You see.  Oh, yeah you know that already.  You know what, drink white wine an you'll have yellow teeth. Go like this:     Yeah then have another smoke and 'll get yellower.  Heh.  The third, I'm gonna fall off.

You know I used to be the best bartender in new york city.  Got an eye for it.  Never messed up by half a thousandth of an ounce.  Half a thousandth.  Never.  You want a wine spritzer?  Yeah some red wine, some white wine, little soda, twist of lemon.  Got yerself a spritzer.  A real wine spritzer.  

You know I stayed with my brother one time, I get in, he lets me shave, lets me shower, lets me sleep, I put on this record before I go to shave, it goes like this:

you want me to translate that to english for you? 

yeah, its italian.  yeah, in english?

i feed you, i share with you, you betray me, you abused me

then the next day, my brother says 'get out you bastard; you can try to come back, but see what i'll say to you.' i ask him why?  something I did when I was drunk.  He says 'I'll never forgive you.'  I know in my head that I will come back someday.  He says 'I'll sing to you while you go.'

he sings 

i feed you, i share with you, you betray me, you abused me

and now i stay at this shelter on lafayette, you know, comfortable bed, feed you good, feed you so good, but you gotta be there by four.  

next time i see you, i hope your teeth are purple!"

- Louie

--- 

ran into somebody i didn't expect today

went to all the wrong buildings

walked determined into the cold sun

home wasn't where i was supposed to be going

i thought to myself

'at least i'm going home'

"enter to exit" - ATM

cosmetics

mascara:

black

very black

blackest black

brown-black

black-brown

brown

LIGHT|HOUSE

last night i fell asleep in the ocean 

then i ate takeout with my mom in the middle of the road

and there was a metal roller coaster skeleton behind us, and before waking up i climbed it

i am getting better at sitting still for long periods of time and feigning interest

my mind wanders

i am giggling on the couch here 

cause "what we really need now is an emotional history of the lower east side; it was wild, it was wild...!" 

my knees are inscribed

and my will is bent.